


In Their Own Words

by Eternal Scribe (Shadowcat), random_chick



Category: Primeval
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-01-16
Packaged: 2018-01-08 23:15:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1138609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat/pseuds/Eternal%20Scribe, https://archiveofourown.org/users/random_chick/pseuds/random_chick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of Becker's journey to accept loss and Abby's journey to accept failure is told in corresponding journal entries during the time that Abby is missing in the Cretaceous after she and her friends went after Helen Cutter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

** ABBY **

_Writing in this helps right now. I've been going through the other journals and reading Helen's words, but this one and a couple of others were empty. I don't think it's considered stealing if the person it belonged to is dead. Even if it was considered to be such, I think any sane person would say I was entitled to it after everything that she has done to the people I care about. She killed people, I’ve stolen a journal. Hardly seems to compare, you know?_

_Ok, let’s not get into measuring up the rights or wrongs of me having had to kill her. I’m sure that when I get home, Lester will make me speak to a head doctor to make sure that I haven’t been too adversely affected by having to commit murder._

_Not that I’ll need a doctor to tell me that I’ve been affected. I’ve never killed anyone before. I can’t stop thinking about how Becker is going to feel about what has happened and what I’ve done._

_It's only been three days since the last time I saw him, but it feels like so much longer. I can't help but think of the look on his face when the plans were made. He didn't want us to go but I kept telling him that I would only be gone for a few hours. If everything had gone according to our plans, I would have only been gone for a few hours. How were any of us supposed to know that Helen gone more barmy than we realized. We had no way of knowing that we were going to discover that we had to take our journey even further._

_Part of me wishes that we had been able to go back to the present from the future and tell then what was happening, but it was already too close for my liking when I did manage to stop Helen. She had already killed several of the Australopithecus here. Who knows how many more she would have killed if I hadn't gotten to her when I did? She could have destroyed all of us. She would have destroyed all of us if given the chance._

_That doesn't make sitting here and waiting for someone to open up an anomaly any easier. It wasn't part of any of my plans for me to get trapped here. I can only imagine how Becker must have felt when I didn't come home. Did the others make it home? Is Connor all right? There are so many things that I can't get out of my head._

_And god, I promised him. I promised him that I would be back soon._

_None of this was supposed to happen like this. We were supposed to go into the future, stop the woman however we had to and make it back home in time for supper. She was never supposed to go into the past to kill more._

_Becker, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn’t mean to break my promise. I’ll be home soon._

 

** BECKER **

_They tell me not to worry, that everything is going to be fine._

_They tell me not to worry, that it's only a matter of time before we get Abby and the others back._

_They tell me not to worry, that there's no way things are going to fail._

_They tell me not to worry. But how can I do anything but worry when the woman I love and two of my good friends are stuck out there?_

_I knew this wasn't going to end well. Call it a hunch, if you like. But... I had this feeling that something was going to go wrong. I pushed it aside because they all seemed so confident that it wasn't going to take them very long to take care of Helen and get home._

_But it's been a week and nothing yet._

_If it's been a week, what's happened? More importantly, what went wrong? They were only supposed to be gone for a few hours, maybe six hours tops, and it's already been way longer than that._

_Abby said they'd only be gone a few hours. She promised me they'd only be gone a few hours. She made me a promise and I believed it. She never would've broken that promise if she'd had a choice. So obviously whatever happened, Abby at the very least didn't have a choice in it. I don't know about the others, but Abby didn't have a choice._

_I'm scared. I'm not good with owning up to it or even acknowledging it only to myself, but I'm scared. I want them back._

_I want her back. I want to be able to curl up with her in my flat and watch bad movies and mock them and snog each other senseless and..._

_Well. It's obvious where that one goes._

_I just want her back home where she belongs._

 

** ABBY **

_I really don’t like this. In fact it would be more accurate to say that I truthfully hate this with a bloody passion. It’s been more than a week and I’m still here. It makes me sick that I’m stuck here and I wasn’t even able to let Becker know what has happened. It scares me that I don’t know if Danny and Connor all right. Connor fell from that tree pretty damn hard and I’m afraid that he was seriously injured. Then again, it’s completely possible that when the anomaly closed here, another one opened so that Danny and Connor could back through to the future and then back through the one we walked through in the first place to find Helen._

_It was supposed to be so simple._

_We were going to go to the future where Helen had gone and capture her. We were going to bring her back and jail her or something. Or, if we didn’t have any other choice, Danny was going to shoot her like she shot Nick. The three of us had already decided that she had to be stopped in any way necessary. She stopped being a human being to any of us a long time ago. I think for Danny that happened when she willfully sent Christine Johnson through an anomaly to be killed by the future predators. Such a willful murder, he hadn’t seen happen since being with the ARC._

_Connor and I had already. While we didn’t actually see what she had caused to happen to Stephen and we didn’t see her shoot Nick, we lived with the aftermath of her actions._

_She killed people for no other reason but for her ego and we knew that we had the best – the only – chance at stopping her killing again._

_And so, the three of us followed her from the future into the past ..._

 

** BECKER **

_I love you._

_I want to spend the rest of my life with you._

_I want to marry you._

_There are so many things I should have said to her, so many things that I can't even think of. But there are some chief among them, some that are things I either didn't say to her at all or didn't say enough._

_I told her I loved her, said it as often as I thought of saying it. But I wonder... should I have said it more often? Does she know I love her? Is she able to take solace in that fact, lost in time as she is?_

_Three weeks. I've spent three weeks worrying about all the things I should I have said. And however long it takes to find them, to get them back... I'll worry about it all the same._

 

** ABBY **

_I don't think that I have ever been so scared in my life._

_It's been at least four weeks by my count and there has been no sign of another anomaly opening. At this point, I would be happy for one that took me back to the Cretaceous where I left Danny and Connor. At least I wouldn't be alone._

_I used to enjoy my solitude, but this is different. Back then, it was my choice to seek out solitude and to be alone. It was my choice to hide away and make sure that I had my own space. This, though, this has been forced on me. Solitude forced onto me by Helen Cutter._

_She's dead now. Yes, I know I said that when I first started writing in this blasted thing, but it keeps going around and around in my mind. Guilt is a powerful thing and even though I said I wouldn't feel guilty, sometimes, it's hard not to. I've never killed another human being before. I've wanted to. I've thought that certain people deserved to die, but I've never actually killed someone else before._

_Until Helen Cutter._

_I don't regret that I killed her because it was a classic her or them case. She died or the entire human race did. Naturally, I chose the human race. Maybe the guilt comes from how I killed her?_

_It wasn’t a one on one fight and there was nothing fair or sporting about it. I simply pulled the trigger and shot her with the gun Danny had given to me._

_It was odd, though; she actually seemed to be surprised that I didn’t want to join her on whatever insane thing she was planning on doing. She wanted me to help her kill our ancestors and then travel through the anomalies with her after that. She thought that we would make a good team._

_Barmy. The woman was completely and totally out of her mind. To think that after all of the things she did that I would want to go anywhere with her willingly? She killed Stephen and Cutter and wanted to wipe all of us out. God knows what has happened to Danny and Connor. She honestly thought that I would want to be her traveling companion?_

_But it was when she started telling me how soon all of my memories of Becker would fade as I traveled, well that was what finally caused me to snap, I think. Of everything I have with me, my memories of him and of the two of us together are what keep me going sometimes. I don’t think I could handle it if I couldn’t call his face to mind whenever I wanted to. My most precious memory and she said that I would one day lose that if I listened to her._

_I love him and I know that I probably didn’t say the words to him often enough. I used to assume that he knew how much he meant to me, but now I wonder. Did my actions speak loud enough for him to realize that he was the center of my world and that I loved him more than any person has ever loved someone? Did he know how important he was and is to me?_

_If I never get back home and I never see any of my family and friends again, I do hope that they know how important they always were to me. I really hope that Becker knew how much I loved him and how I wished that this had never happened._

 

** BECKER **

_I haven't slept more than a couple hours in a stretch for the past six weeks. How can I sleep when my sleep only brings dreams -- nightmares, really -- of where Abby is and what she might be going through._

_How can I sleep when she's not there beside me? When I can't wrap my arms around her and pull her close and feel safe and confident in the fact that all is right with the world?_

_Nothing is right with the world anymore. Nothing may ever be right again. Nothing in my world will be right until Abby comes home. I want the others to return safe and sound, too, of course, don't get me wrong. But nothing in my own personal world will be right again until I have Abby in my arms again._

_I try convincing myself that she won't be gone much longer, that the universe couldn't possibly be so cruel to Abby as to strand her permanently in a time not her own. But the fact of the matter is that it's looking increasingly more and more like the universe is indeed that cruel, and I hate it._

_Until I know the universe isn't that cruel, how can I possibly sleep?_

 

** ABBY **

_I hear him sometimes._

_I know that it's not physically possible, but there are times when I'm scared and so close to just giving up the fight that I hear him like he's right here with me. I'll hear him calling me "Abby my girl" and telling me that I have to just hang on until he can find me and bring me home. When I'm alone in the shelter at night I can almost feel him holding me and telling me everything is going to be all right._

_It scares me because I know that it's a sign that I am losing my mind out here. It's been two months and there hasn't been a new anomaly open and I don't know how long I can hold on or how long I can keep my mind in tact. I'm holding on as best as I can, but even I can only fight so much._

_The one thing that keeps me going is the hope that Danny and Connor have made it back home and told everyone what happened to me. That way the others aren't always wondering about where I am or what happened. It's better to worry about where I am than for them to wonder what happened to me. If they know I went through another anomaly and where, it gives them a place to target to look for me._

_It gives Becker at least an idea of what's going on._

 

** BECKER **

_I avoid mirrors now. All I see when I look in one is a man who looks as though he's given up hope, something I vowed I would never do. But it's been nearly three months of hearing nothing, knowing nothing._

_I look like a man adrift. Which, to be fair, I am. I don't know what to do anymore, what to think, what to say, how to act. Without Abby, my life doesn't make much sense anymore. I'm hanging in there, hanging on, but that's all it is. I've stopped living my life already._

_I'm just existing._

_Is it any wonder I hate seeing my reflection nowadays? All there is is desperation. I feel like I'm letting her down because of this, and I hate it. Letting her down is the one thing I never want to do._

_I can't stand to look at myself anymore._

 

** ABBY **

_It's raining here today, so I'm not able to hunt or even got back to see if the anomaly might have come back. The rain is too heavy and visibility is pretty much nonexistent. I can stand at the mouth of the cave and not see more than a few inches in front of me. Weather like this in strange terrain is not something that I should risk travelling in. You would think that after three months it would no longer be strange terrain, but this place is so much different than any other place I've ever been and I'm trying not to get myself killed as I get used to the place and the trails here._

_So, I'm writing and trying to document everything as I think about it._

_I keep trying remember what made me fall in love with Becker in the first place. What was the reason he gave me to love him? Then I realize, that there was no one reason. I fell in love because of everything about him. How he feels when he's holding me, how he looks at me like I'm the only important thing in his world. The way that he takes care of his men in the field as best as he can and the way he makes sure to do everything within his power to bring everyone home safely when we're all out on a call._

_I fell in love with everything about Becker, and I think I did from the very first time he touched me in that pub when we met that night._

_I don't think that he has any idea of how important he is to me because I can't remember if I ever let him know that or if I just assumed he would be able to tell..._

 

** BECKER **

_Three and a half months of nothing. No news, no nothing. They're gone. It's time I face the fact that none of them may ever come home._

_But every time I try and think about it rationally, I just get the urge to hit something. Because facing that fact feels too damn much like giving up, and I refuse to do that. I refuse to give up on any of them._

_But I especially refuse to give up on Abby._

_She would never give up on me if our situations were reversed, so how can I give up on her? How can I possibly let her down like that? I'd never forgive myself._

_I get that urge to hit something a lot lately, which means I spend a lot of time working out. It gives me a chance to hit things and work out my frustrations... only my frustrations are always still there, they never go away, they'll never go away._

_They won't go away until I have Abby safely in my arms again._

_Except it's been three and a half months, and the traitorous part of my brain wonders if I'll ever have Abby in my arms again. If she'll ever come home to me._

_I don't think I'll be able to deal with it if she never comes home. She's such a part of who and what I am now... and she's gone, possibly forever._

_I need to hit something again._

 

** ABBY **

_The dreams are becoming more and more vivid and that scares me in ways that I didn't know I could be scared before. It's been six months since the anomaly closed and it's hard holding on to my own belief. I know that Becker wouldn't just give up on me, no matter how much time has passed. However, on the other hand, I don't want him feeling as lost and scared as I have been feeling. I don't want him holding onto something that may end up with him being broken._

_Broken like I'm beginning to think that I am._

_I love him so much and I know that I always will -- no matter if I ever get home or not. Everything I am is tangled up in him and even though I would never change that, the missing him hurts like hell._

_I know that someone who didn't know us or know what my life was like before him would say that feeling like that is unhealthy for someone, but I don't think it is. I've never been as happy in my whole life as I have been with Becker._

_I sit here, watching night fall and I wonder what he's thinking right now and what he's doing. I wonder if he's eating properly and if Lester and the others make sure that he doesn't spend all of his time at the ARC. Are his men taking care of him like he has always taken care of them?_

_Is anyone making sure that he functions normally even though I know that he is not functioning at one hundred percent right about now?_

_That's not me saying anything against Becker. That's me knowing that he loves me as much as I love him and this has got to be eating at him that I'm lost somewhere._

 

** BECKER **

_Thirty seconds at a time. That's how I get through life nowadays, thirty seconds at a time. Anything more than that is impossible._

_I miss her so much it hurts, actually hurts. I can't think about her anymore without it hurting. It's a bittersweet kind of hurt, really. I'll take it. Because it may hurt, but at least it tells me I'm still capable of feeling._

_Thirty seconds at a time. Even that seems too much sometimes, on my worst days. And my worst days seem to come more and more frequently lately. I try to stay strong, because I know she would want me to. I know Danny and Connor would want me to, too. It's so hard to stay strong for them, but it's hardest to stay strong for Abby._

_Thirty seconds at a time. Thirty seconds of trying to pretend that I'm all right, that I'm not hurting inside. That my world didn't come crumbling down around me six months ago._

_Thirty seconds at a time of trying to live and failing miserably._

 

** ABBY **

_God, I miss everyone so much. I miss the talking and the laughing while we're working. I miss the knowledge that no matter what was thrown at us we would always be friends forever. I miss the nights where Jenny and Sarah and I would all collapse somewhere with tea or something stronger and talk about our needs and our desires._

_My deepest desire then and my deepest desire now couldn't be any more different._

_My deepest desire then was to be with Becker for the rest of my life -- even if I hadn't gotten up the courage to tell him so._

_My deepest desire six months later?_

_To just get the chance to see him and know that he's okay._

_Even as I re-read those words, I know that it doesn't sound like much, but to me it is. I know how I've been handling everything that happened -- or not handling, as the case may be. And I know that Becker is so much stronger than I am, but I also know how much he loved me. To have me taken away from him by no action or doing of his own has to be eating at him. It kills me because I made the choice to go after Helen, but Becker didn't get a choice in any of this at all._

_I wish there was a way to let him know that I was alive and that none of this was his fault. We didn't know what was going to happen when I went with the others to bring Helen back. I wish there was a way to let him know that he is never far from my mind._

 

** BECKER **

_Abby was the first woman I ever met that I could see myself settling down with. I could see it pretty much from the first time we were together, which is why it hurt so badly to wake up that next morning and find her gone._

_She was also the first woman I felt I could truly be myself with. With the career I've got, it's not like I can tell people about most of what I do. Abby was someone I could tell anything and everything to. Even at the start of things, when we were still feeling out our relationship, I could still tell her anything and she would just listen and accept it._

_Not that she didn't argue with me on occasion. Of course she did. And I argued with her. But we didn't argue often. Mostly when we were worried about or scared for each other and couldn't quite hold our tempers in check. We argued, but it was never serious. All right, it was serious but it was never... well, never anything that would cause problems for the relationship. And we always made up._

_But most importantly, Abby was the first woman whose absence makes me feel as though a part of me has died inside._

 

** ABBY **

_I can't stop thinking about him today. I know that part of it is me missing him like crazy, but the other part of it is that I'm not feeling so well and he was always amazing at taking care of me when I was less than a hundred percent. Depending on what was wrong, he would either hold me close and stroke my hair, or just sit with me, holding my hand. When things were like that it was like we were in another world. It was somewhere only we knew because no one else was ever allowed to see me sick or weak. I might not be able to hide the injuries I would get on simple day to day calls, but I could damn well hide when I was feeling ill and he always helped me with that. I know he hated it when I would still go to work even when I wasn't feeling up to it, but that was the nature of the job. He'd keep an eye on me at work and then when the day was over he would take me to his flat and just take care of me however I needed him to do. I keep going in and out of sleep and I keep expecting to open my eyes and find myself in his bed with him holding my hand and telling me that everything is going to be all right and I've just been having some very bad dreams._

 

** BECKER **

_They tell me to keep up hope, that there's still a chance of her coming home even after as long as it's been._

_But they don't know that, do they? No, they don't. They're just saying it so that their precious head of security won't up and leave like I've been considering more and more lately._

_They don't know it, but they act like they do. They lie to me, but with good reason. They think the project can't afford to lose me._

_What about what I want, though? What about the fact that some days all I want to do is to say "sod it all" and walk away, leave everything behind me? Because as much as I still hope Abby will return, I can no longer believe that she will._

_Everybody lies. They lie to me when they say there's still a chance and I lied to her when I told her once that I would never give up on her._

_Maybe it's for the best that I'm not here if she returns._

 

** ABBY **

_It's been a year as best as I can tell from all of my writing in these things and from all of my field notes. I'm a scientist and I know how important it is to document everything about this place and my experiences here for future study and understanding after they have found me. What if I never make it back home, though? Well, then I guess I will find a safe and out of the way place to wrap up each book protectively and then bury them in a cave wall somewhere. After that, I would hope that some intelligent and determined scientist will find them and realize how important they are by where they are found and dated and they will take them to Lester or the ARC. I've put Lester's name and home address as well as the ARC address inside the front covers of all of the journals. If he receives them, then perhaps they can open an anomaly to this place using my guesses and deductions of my coordinates that I've written down in these books and rescue me before I end up dying out here._

_My belief in my friends and loved ones isn't always as absolute as I would like it to be; as it should be. I try not to let that work into my mind too often, but sometimes it's really difficult to keep such a high sense of optimism. I want to see them again and I want them to find me a way home. On the other hand, I don't want them to end up putting their lives on hold to chase down hopes and clues to get to me, only to be hurt and have those attempts not work out. How many disappointments can you honestly take before you start to crack? These are some of the strongest people that I know, but even they have their limits._

_I don't want to be the one to break them, but I'm afraid I will be._

 

** BECKER **

_I could talk about a defining moment from my childhood, or my early days in the military, or even from my time with the ARC. But none of those is my most recent defining moment, though I suppose it qualifies as during my time with the ARC._

_My defining moment wasn't even the moment I gave up hope._

_I wanted to quit months ago, to quit and run from everything and everyone I knew because why should I stay and face the pain when the one person who could help me through it wasn't there and never would be again?_

_But I didn't, because I knew Abby would never want me to quit because of her. I love my job -- it's all I have anymore -- and if I can't have her, then she would at least want there to be something in my life that I love._

_My defining moment was the moment I could have quit and didn't._

 

** ABBY **

_You would think that with everything going on and the fact that I have to focus all of my attention on just surviving out here that I wouldn't have time to think about anything else. I definitely shouldn't have time or brain power to feel any of the more petty emotions that go through me in the course of a day trapped here. But the thing is, a day here is sometimes too long and the nights can be even longer when you can't sleep for fear that you haven't safeguarded yourself against all of the creatures who might come hunting you at night looking for what they think will be an easy meal. However, with no electricity and nothing to distract yourself, you end up spending quite a bit of time deep within your own mind and then things that you weren't aware you felt tend to rear their ugly head a lot louder than you ever thought they might._

_Jealousy, for instance._

_Jealousy towards my friends and loved ones who aren't here and able to go on with their lives. I know it's not their fault and I really would not wish this on anyone. Just sometimes when I'm alone and wondering if I'm even going to get through the day I feel a spark of envy towards everyone that has no idea how to force themselves to adapt in a hostile environment._

_But it's not that jealousy that keeps me up at nights and has me almost in tears and hating myself for feeling that way._

_It's jealousy towards that faceless woman or man that my dreams tell me Becker has replaced me with in order to move on with his life. It's not that I begrudge him that, hell, I really do hope that he's not miserable like I am and he's not been hurting for all of this time. I would want him to be able to put the pieces of his life back together without me and move on with someone else. I would want him to be able to love again._

_That doesn't mean that I won't have feelings of jealousy towards that faceless person for getting to have everything I've lost through no fault of my own._

 

** BECKER **

_Abby always did set my nerves on fire. She had the ability to start me burning with a single smoldering look, but she didn't even need to do that. She could get me going with a shy smile, a light touch, a soft word._

_When I was with her, my world was on fire._

_When I was with her, it was tenderness and fire, gentleness and passion, opposites and similarities and everything wrapping us up in each other and making me feel as though she were the only person in my world and I the only in hers._

_She could light me on fire with a single look or word, intentional or not. And with Abby, it was so rarely intentional. That wasn't her style, to do that sort of thing intentionally. But she did it anyway, didn't realize she did it, and that made me love her all the more._

_She never realized what she did to me and I wonder if she even knew just how much she affected me. I know I never told her; at least, I never said the words. I never said the words I should have said a thousand times over and it leaves me wondering if she ever even knew what she did to me._


	2. Chapter 2

** ABBY **

_I keep feeling guilty because I know I'm falling apart more than they would want to know about back home. I've tried to stay strong and be brave, but after eight months, it's just really hard to do any of those things. I'm not okay and I'm not sure that's going to change any time in the future unless an anomaly opens to take me back home and to the people I love. I keep thinking that everything is going to be all right, that I'll be okay. However, I'm starting to lose my hope on everything being okay. I know that most people would understand how I'm feeling and they would say that there is nothing wrong with me not knowing how I'm going to hold out any longer. But most people don't know me or the kind of things I have already survived. This shouldn't be breaking me so badly. I'm a survivor and I have survived so much even before I started working for the ARC. I think, though, that after eight months of not being able to get home and not knowing how Danny or Connor are is starting to wear away my usual optimism and determination. I want to go home. I want to be held by Becker and told that everything is going to be all right. I want to hug Connor and Danny and tell Danny that I was able to stop Helen before she could wipe out everyone. I want someone to tell me that it's okay to not be okay._

 

** BECKER **

_All that once was is everything that never will be again._

_She's been gone a little over a year now. If I stopped to think about it, I could tell you down to the hour exactly how long they've all been gone, but I hate doing that because it never helps anything, just serves to remind me even more that everything I had in the past is everything I'll never have again._

_Because Abby's never coming home, I have a feeling. Oh, she'll keep trying to find her way home. My Abby is tenacious like that. But I don't know if I still believe she'll find her way home._

_I hate myself for that, for even for a second giving up on her. But it hurts so, so unbelievably much to keep hoping that it's almost safer not to hope, in a twisted sort of way. Because I'll never stop hoping, but anything beyond hope hurts too much and even hope hurts too much sometimes._

_Everything we had is everything we'll never have again. Safety, stability, the start of a life together. I love her and always will, but it's... different now, different in a way I utterly loathe. Because it's the love that comes from grief and loss. I've started accepting that she's gone, truly accepting it, and I hate myself for that._

_But... it's safer than hoping, because hoping just breaks my heart a little more each day._

 

** ABBY **

_There are too many differences here. It's not just that I'm not sure what's going to happen from minute to minute and it's not that I'm always ready for a fight. It's that nothing is like anything I or any other human has ever had to deal with. I know I'm luckier than Connor and Danny for times to be trapped in -- and God I HOPE they're not trapped and it's just me \-- because it could be dinosaurs everywhere and it's not. Yes, there are things almost as dangerous -- terror birds that I have found evidence of but have not yet run into any of them -- but the dangers aren't what haunt me. It's the silence sometimes. Things were never this silent back home and sometimes it's scary. That's not what is bothering me about it, though. What's bothering me is that I'm getting used to is and that frightens me..._

 

** BECKER **

_If only._

_Two simple words that can really trip a person up._

_If only I had insisted on Abby not going with the others. If only I had insisted on going with them. If only..._

_God, I don't even know. There are too many ways "if only" could go in this situation and I don't like any of them._

_If only I had Abby back in my life, in my arms, then everything would be perfect again. And that? Is fast becoming the biggest "if only" of them all._

_I know it wouldn't be that easy. After already a year of being gone, even if she were to come back she wouldn't be the same. And I don't care about that, I honestly don't. But she'd have so much to deal with, so much to readjust to. And would she still want me? Would she still want me to be the one at her side?_

_Or would she hate me for not having been able to bring her home?_

_If only I knew._

 

** ABBY **

_I wonder if it's possible for someone to die of heartbreak or for someone to lose their minds due to silence. You think I would be used to it by now -- used to all of the changes; used to being stuck. It's been a long hard road of thinking about nothing but surviving, but every so often I get so depressed about everything. Sometimes, I just want to give up -- and to be honest, I don't even know why I'm still fighting. I don't know why I haven't just closed my eyes and refused to get up again._

_I know that the rest of the team would be disappointed in me for even thinking something like that, if they even remember me at all. They have no way of knowing what happened to me, even if Danny and Connor made it back. The only reason that I'm still here is because they can't get an anomaly opened to this time period. They have no way of finding me and I know that. However, knowing it doesn't make it any less painful being here and still wondering if I managed to do any good or change anything when I killed Helen._

 

** BECKER **

_Right about now is when I wish myself a very unhappy anniversary. Because you see, it's been a year since they've been gone. A year since I lost Abby. A year since my life stopped being perfect._

_I won't say that my life isn't worth living, because for one thing I still have so much to live for. But for another thing, and more importantly... Abby would hate knowing I'd said it. She would never have wanted to be _so_ important to me that her disappearance destroyed my life._

_But, when I stop to admit it to myself, she was. She is. Oh, my life is still worth living but that fundamental part of it that made everything just make a little more sense... Abby... is gone._

_And I don't know if she'll ever be back._

_God, it hurts to even think that she might not be back. But I have to think it, have to face it. Trying to deny it does my heart and my head no good._

_I may have to face it, but I will never believe it._

 

** ABBY **

_I’m tired. It’s not just a physical tired, though I certainly am at that. I think that I’ve overdone it in the last few weeks. Winter is coming and I’ve been trying to make sure I have enough supplies with me as I follow the herds of animals across the plains to warmer weather._

_No, it’s my heart that is tired and hurting. It’s harder and harder to hold on to the belief that I’ll one day get home. It’s been more and more difficult to call up the images of all of the faces that I remember from back home. I don’t know if it’s that my memory is fading as I struggle to survive, or if it is just something as simple as that I’ve been overworking myself in so many ways as of late._

_His face never fades from my mind, though. I can close my eyes and I can still see Becker as clear as if he was sitting right here with me. He’s the one who is the most clearly defined in my memory and the idea of his face fading scares me more than I think I have ever been scared before._

_I don’t want to forget anything or anyone that are from my life. I don’t want to forget the people I love or the things I enjoyed about working at the ARC. My friends, my co-workers, my creatures. All of them are important to me and I never want to lose the memories. They’re my life – every one of them._

_But Becker is different. He’s more. He’s my soul and I’m terrified that I will never see him again. I don’t want to lose the memory of him on top of losing him. I think it would break me if that happened._

 

** BECKER **

_There are so many words I wish I could say, so many things I wish I could tell her that after a year, I may never get the chance to tell her._

_Like the fact that I still love her._

_Like the fact that I will always love her, no matter what._

_And not that she'd need to hear it, because she trusts me, but I wish I could tell her that if anything happened I would always be faithful to her._

_Because there will never be anybody else for me but her._

_I know that some part of my saying that might very well just be the pain of losing her, but a larger part of it is that I just can't imagine myself being with anybody other than her. I try to think about it and the idea hurts so much it takes my breath away._

_I wish I could tell her that she will forever be the one for me, no matter what happens._

_But more than that... I just wish I had the chance to tell her the simple things again._

_I love you._

_You're beautiful._

_You complete me._

_I need you._

_Oh, God, do I need her..._

 

** ABBY **

_Winter has come again and I hate it. I don't know what makes it so much worse this time, unless it's the fact that I feel more alone this time that I have ever felt before. The cold is bitter, but if I build a fire far enough in the back of a cave, then I can usually get some warmth without drawing out the predators. Each cold season is the same and you would think that I would get tired of commenting about it. It just seems to be the season that makes me feel even more alone out here. Most of the things can go into a deep hibernation and ignore the cold, but I can't. It's too exposed and I don't think humans are made to sleep for so long -- though I really wish we could. Because when I'm sleeping, he's keeping me warm. And I know that is almost the same as hiding or denial, but I don’t care. If you’re in a tough situation and there is very little to give you hope day after day, then I don’t think that there is anything wrong with seeking out your dreams for the happier times in your life. If others have a problem with me doing this, I don’t care. It’s not like anyone is going to read these diaries until I’m dead and gone, anyway._

 

** BECKER **

_I'm so tired of all this. Of being scared I'll never see her again, of the sleepless nights, of wondering when I'll be able to stop being so afraid. Of wondering _if_ I'll ever stop being afraid._

_Only thing is, that feels like a betrayal of Abby, of everything she and I had together. And the idea of betraying her scares me more than the idea that I may never see her again._

_As scared as I am of that, I'm even more scared of seeing her again someday and having her find out that I'm betraying her. Because I'm scared -- terrified, even -- of what her reaction will be._

_I'm scared that she'll hate me for it. I don't ever want her to hate me._

_I guess maybe I'm not so tired after all. I'm just scared._

_And I think being scared is worse._

 

** ABBY **

_I'm tired, so tired. I've lost track of ticking off the days because I became ill for a little while. Not just the mental breaking I'm sure that I'm doing, but an actual physical sick. It's not the first time it's happened since I've been here, but it seemed to be the longest illness I've had. I was just so sick and could barely take care of myself. The fire I had set before falling into a fevered sleep burned out at some point and the pit was stone cold when I was once more aware of my surroundings. I must have been really sick, but I was really lucky. None of my meager possessions were disturbed and no predators came after me. I woke up in the cave and had to stay there until I had the strength to walk around again._

_I don't know how long I was sick, and I'm not even sure that it matters any longer. I'm tired of trying to keep track of time and I'm almost past the point of caring about my own survival. I want to hold on and have faith that Becker will make sure that he and the rest of our team find me. I do believe in him, and he has no idea._

_I'm not perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination, but he loved all of that about me. I'm scared, though. I'm scared because I know I have changed so much since all of this happened. At night, I can't help but feel afraid._

_Even with as much as he loves me, can Becker accept the changes and forgive me for failing him? Can he ever forgive me for the things I've done since the day we walked through that damn anomaly?_

_Is it fair to hope that he can? I don't think it would be fair for me to ask him, but the idea that he might keeps me moving forward with each day that dawns here..._

 

** BECKER **

_Apparently a bar fight is a great way to nearly lose your job. Who knew?_

_Got in one last night. Not sure why, really, except that it was yet another day of missing Abby and was going to be yet another night of the same, and I wanted some sort of change to the routine. And my brain thought going to a bar was a good idea._

_So I went._

_It wasn't so bad at first -- I nursed a drink for a while, and then downed it, and then just kept them coming. I don't actually remember much of the night, except that there were aspersions cast upon myself in regards to... something... and I just snapped. I was tired of keeping up a strong front and I wanted to lash out and the guy who'd been harassing me seemed as good a target as any._

_Turns out that when you get arrested for assault and you're the head of security for a top secret project, the people in charge of said project have second thoughts about the wisdom of keeping you onboard. There's nothing quite like being hungover and so sore you can barely move and yet having to be in a meeting that determines what your future's going to be._

_I'm pretty sure I owe Lester my firstborn child for salvaging my job -- apparently the military side of my bosses were ready to yank me from the project entirely. Only, until Abby comes back, there won't be a firstborn child. Wonder if he'll accept an IOU._

_Because as much as I hate missing Abby, hate the longing, the sense of incompleteness that never goes away and never will until she's home with me... I'd hate it more if I didn't have my job. Because my job is a reminder of the good stuff with Abby._

_Plus if she knew I'd lost my job over her, she'd kick my ass._

 

** ABBY **

_I’m getting tired again. I guess that shouldn’t be so surprising given how the last few days have gone, but I am tired and all I want to do is crawl into a hole and just…stop being for a little while. I know that sounds defeatist of me and probably close to suicidal, but I can’t help it. I’ve been stuck here for so long that it’s hard for me to be anything else. I mean, I’ve done everything I was supposed to do. I got through the anomaly after I lost Danny and Connor. I saved all of mankind by killing Helen before she could kill all of our ancestors. I finished the mission, so why am I still holding on and trying to survive in a world that was not meant for me to survive in? Why haven’t I just laid down and let the constant snowfall right now bury me so I can just stop fighting and drift away where there’s no pain for me to have to deal with and no nightmares conjured up by the fact that I know I’ve gone a little bit crazy out here?_

_I’m not really sure unless it’s because I know how disappointed and hurt my friends would be if I just gave up like that. I know how crushed Becker would be if they were to find this and discover that I had finally just given up and died. I wouldn’t ever want to hurt him like that. He’s already been through too much and I wish I could just fix all of the pain that he’s been through because of what happened on this mission. He didn’t want me to go and I promised him that I would be back before he could even start to miss me._

_But, going through this book tells me that I have been gone an awfully long time. I wonder what kind of insight Cutter might have had just from holding this book and seeing how it has aged in the time I’ve been gone. I’m not even sure that I’ve told time correctly when I’ve written in this, but from the past entries, I may have lost a bit of time somewhere after I passed the two year mark. It’s hard knowing how the time is passing without clocks or calendars. The seasons and sun help, but not when you’ve been lost or sick and not sure how much time you’ve actually lost. Not to mention that sometimes the days just blend together and you can’t count them because sometimes it’s just too much. It’s not just the mental strain of trying to remember the days that gets to you, though. Time can also have a physical effect on your body and the way that things happen._

_I know that I’m thinner than I ever used to be – no matter how much I worked out to keep fit and strong. If I was back at the ARC right now, I know that the medics would say that I was half-starved and that my body was going through all kinds of vitamin deficiencies. I know from looking into the reflections of the water that my face is thinner, my cheekbones more pronounced. The thing is, even with losing weight and flesh, I’ve gained a lot of muscle tone from this whole experience. I couldn’t tell you what I’ve done to have all of these changes occur except that I’ve been surviving out here as best as I can._

_I guess that’s a good answer for why I haven’t just laid down and drift off to sleep and never wake up again. My spirit is too much of a survivor and if I can walk, then I can keep going. I don’t know if that makes me brave or incredibly stupid and sometimes I wonder if there is even a difference between the two in some instances. There are times that your body keeps moving and doing things even when your mind is trying to get it to do the exact opposite. Your mind knows what should happen and when you should stop, but your body and your will just keep fighting against the mental instinct to just stop; to give up and let things end as they will._

_I wonder if that’s the exact definition of crazy._

** BECKER **

_Abby's been gone so long, too long, and yet I can't bring myself to move on. I don't think I'll ever be able to move on. To hurt a little less, maybe, but never move on._

_And hurt a little less? Hah, that's a good one. It still hurts just as much as it ever did. But she's gone and I should get used to it. Except how do you get used to having lost the other half of your soul?_

_There are days I can function, there are days I can actually do pretty well at living life like everything is normal. But she's always on my mind, so how can life ever be normal when she isn't here with me? Even so, there are days where I can pretend, if only for a few hours at a time. That's better than it used to be, though -- it used to be just a few minutes at a time._

_I miss her, God do I miss her. And logically, I know that that's not a bad thing at all. But logic doesn't exactly have any place in my mind when it comes to Abby and how much I miss her. Logic is the last thing on my mind when it comes to her and the lack of her presence in my life._

_People have asked me why I haven't moved on. I haven't even bothered to answer them. I just give them a Look and move right on past them, because if I actually stop to answer that question, I can't promise that I won't do something that'll get myself in trouble._

_It's an empty existence, living without Abby here. And even in the times where I'm able to forget the pain for a little while, she's always on my mind -- because I can forget the pain, but I can never forget her. The day I forget her is the day I lay down and die._

_And I don't want to lay down and die. Not today, anyway. Today, for her, I want to try and live. Who knows how long that'll last? It could be all day, it could be the next five minutes. But either way, I owe it to her to try._

_Except even trying for that, things still aren't the same and never will be again. Because while I'm trying to keep up hope that we'll find her, it's gone from "we'll find her soon" to "we'll find her someday." And honestly? That feels like a betrayal of everything she and I have had, to think that it'll be God only knows how long until we find her._

_So while I'm not giving up hope entirely, I'm trying to be realistic. It very well could be a long time until we find her, and who knows what kind of shape she'll be in then? But we'll face that when we get to it. And we will get to it._

_All the same, I'm not going to get my hopes up too hard, though. Especially since I'm off on another anomaly call and I just know that no matter how hard I try not to get my hopes up, I'll be praying this is the one that brings Abby back to me._

_But it won't be. They never are._

 

**ABBY**

_I’ve been sitting here at the mouth of my latest rock overhang watching something develop about 200 feet from where I am. From what it looks like, I think it’s an anomaly and that has me feeling so many different emotions that I’m not even sure about where to start._

_It’s the first anomaly I’ve seen since I went after Helen. This one started out so small that for a while, I wasn’t even sure that it was an anomaly. In fact, even now, I’m not sure if it’s real or if it’s a trick my mind is playing on me._

_I haven’t written in this journal since the day I started drawing corollaries to the true measure of insanity because part of me was thinking that I am already insane. The conclusion that I’ve ended up coming to is that no one knows when they are truly insane because they can’t be objective or subjective about their own mental state. It’s too close and personal to them, so they need a professional to tell them if they are on the brink or if they have already lost their grip on sanity._

_Seeing the telltale shards showing up that signals an anomaly really has thrown my mind for a loop. What if I’m imagining things and it’s not really there? Will that kind of cruel hallucination finally break me down and make me give up on living? I already know that I’m hanging on to survival by the tips of my fingers and something like that might honestly break me beyond all repair._

_So, I’m sitting here, watching it slowly get wider and utterly terrified to make a decision about the bloody thing in any way. I know that it’s not logical, but who would be able to even think about being logical when you’ve been out of your world and out of things that make sense for so very long? I don’t think that even the most logical being would be able to dismiss all traces of fear if they had been through everything I have been through._

_And yet, don’t I owe it to myself and those that love me to at least make sure it’s an illusion before I give up on it completely? I don’t know what the right or best thing to do in this situation. For all I know, even if it’s real, it might lead to a more dangerous time and not back home. I could be endangering myself further and putting the people who might still be looking for me into a bad situation or erasing what trail they might think they have._

_…_

_Ok. I’ve been sitting here and watching the thing for some time and it’s getting bigger, so it has to be an anomaly. A real one. I took some of the sticks I’d been carrying from my last cook fire and used the burned parts to write a message on the wall of this rock overhang._

_**If you’re looking for me, I went through an anomaly that opened to the East of this overhang to try to find my way home. – Abby** _

_Maybe this isn’t the best decision to make, but I had to do something. Even if I don’t make it home, I at least didn’t avoid what could have been a chance to get there. This will be the last entry I make until I arrive wherever this one takes me – I only hope it takes me home and that this nightmare will finally be over._

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Cover Art for In Their Own Words](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1096666) by [SusanMarieR](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SusanMarieR/pseuds/SusanMarieR)




End file.
